I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Im part way to drunk.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
