everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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