when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
