I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
