i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
