I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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