I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
