Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
