sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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