the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
