She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
