btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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