Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
