i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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