this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
