at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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