my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
