What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
