dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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