Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
