actually, I'm a sock model
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
