ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
