So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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