I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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