I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
