I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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