Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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