At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
