you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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