Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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