distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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