i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Are we still banned from the library?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dicks are not precious.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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