Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
