I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
