So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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