32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
