Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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