??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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