Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
