I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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