I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just invented taco cereal.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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