The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
