I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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