I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
