If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
