So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
