Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
