i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
