I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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