Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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