well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
